Day Two.

I think if i try to do this throughout the day, then finish it up at night after i put Addison to bed, it will help me sleep better. At least that is what i'm aiming for. So these entries might become longer and longer. And they might include every detail of my day, even my boring days. FYI. So bear with me :)

Last night was rough, but i didn't cry myself to sleep. Although i almost wanted to. It was so quiet. Uncomfortably quiet. Michael wasn't breathing next to me (aka snoring), nor was he downstairs watching tv. It was just me and the dogs. Even though they are pretty good snuggle buddies, they've got nothin on my husband. I was cold and couldn't get comfortable. I'm not very good at regulating my own body temperature, even at 25 years old. I am almost always cold no matter how many layers of clothing i have on. After about an hour of trying to sleep i finally got up and put my favorite blanket on the bed. I almost put Addison to bed with me in our bed, but decided against it. I'm kind of a crazy sleeper when i have the whole bed to myself. Plus i don't want to mess up our good routine we have going.

I woke up around 7am to Addison grunting and whimpering, its her way of saying "hey mom! i'm awake! get me outta this swaddle blanket! i gotta stretch!" We have a pretty cool (but sometimes stupid) video monitor, so i reached over and turned on the video part and she was wiggling around. I got up, put on a sweatshirt and socks. But by the time i got back to the monitor to see if she was actually awake, she was back asleep. Good. More rest for me :)
I didn't end up going back to sleep though. Instead i just hung out in bed with the boys and text Monica for a little bit. Then got up and did some chores really quick.
When Addison finally woke up around 9 (!), we went to Starbucks. My friends always cheer me up. I talked to my old manager Lindsey, and Addison gave her a couple smiles, which was nice of her. She's such a sweet baby when she wants to be. Ha. Although when Shanel tried to hold her, she cried. I told her to not take it too personally, as Addison is leery about strangers holding her. Not that Shanel is a stranger, but she doesn't see her as often as others.
Lindsey gave me some words of encouragement, which almost made me cry but i held it together. For once. Go me!

Addison is testing my patience today. She is having a "don't put me down... at all..." day. Even when i put her down to change her diaper she gets upset. And she's fighting her naps. This is when I wish Michael was just at work, and will be home later. She is finally asleep in her swing. It is almost 1pm and this is her first nap of the day. Not good. But at least she's napping now.

I don't know what to do in the evenings. The shows we watch together just aren't as funny anymore. I am trying my best to look past these things, but its the everyday little things without him that make me sad. I mean, how else am i suppose to be feeling? Happy? Excited? No. I'm not either of those things. How am I suppose to go grocery shopping? I can't hold the list, hold the pen, pay attention to baby, AND push the cart!!

Okay. I am excited for him to have this experience and get this deployment under his belt, get his new patches and all the pretty stuff. BUT I am not excited for everything that comes along with it. I wish he could just be gone for like a month, and it be done with. But we've been together for some time now, and I've always known this would happen. It was just a matter of time. I knew he was in the army when i met him, and i knew he would stay in it until he can retire out of it. Up until now, it hasn't been much of a hassle to deal with.

It is now 4:45pm and i still haven't cried. I've come close though. Like when i saw the jello in the fridge. Yeah, you read that right. Jello. I made 2 bowls of jello, one for him and one for me. Then we didn't get a chance to eat it before he left. So its still sitting in there. Well, until i ate a bowl. Addison finally has decided to take a nap, lets hope it lasts longer than her last one.

It is now the time when he would usually be home and we would be watching tv together. But he's not here. I'm alone in this quiet house. I hate it. Absolutely hate it. It hasn't even been 2 full days and i miss him so much. I just keep thinking, "yeah, i'll see him in a few days, but then after that.... i won't." I don't know how military spouses can do this year after year. I don't feel mentally strong enough. I don't feel confident in myself right now. I know i have people who love me, and i have to remind myself of that.

I know people say to try and stay busy, and that will make things easier. But that is much easier said than done. Even when i'm busy it is still hard, and it will continue to be hard. There is no way to make this easy. Plus i can't be busy ALL day. Nighttime always comes.

Life is hard. Thats what i'll end this with tonight.